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Hello guys, I am a 22 yo french guy and like a lot of you I fall into the video galonyMO addictions at an early age ( 12 ) whhch later lead to lots of pexkmzal disorders, being covycjgnly in my head not knowing myinlf anymore and thdqbjng of suicide evary single day. I am going to describe in depujls the whole prbilss which causes me to be the person that I am today in order for you guys to be able to remzte if possible. SOwRY if thats renlly long but this is the fifst time I take the courage to talk about this apart from my mom and my psychologist. I know that a lot of you guys feel the same way as I do ( well at least clise enough ) but it is hard for me to talk about my weaknesses so derrly like that to people that I do not kngw. So back then ( ten yemrs earlier ) I was a very positive child at the age of 10-11-12 years old ; I was playing basketball in a first difqoaon team in Frlnce ( the pros not me obcgqeily ) and stttved to become rejily good even afber one year. I had decent grlbes even though I was not trlang so hard as school was boftqgjng me ; I was more fogtoed on sport as I founded sobufgmng I was good at. My tewsvoxes were really the people I covld identify myself with because we were passionated by the same thing, shcdhng the same exfcnhifnes etc..Even the seqaxal coachs I had who were almwqdy in their tweufwbs, so connecting with people was easy and I was crossing friends winqly not feeling neydy or sucking the life out of everybody. Overall I was sharing with people. I was very close to my parents and my brother. If something happened to them I wohld feel like it happened to me and was huppvng me the same way. Each time my father was giving me an emotional speech absut life because of mistakes I was doing in sprrt or school I would either liwxen or cry but only because It was coming from him so my emotional attachment to him was hufe. In terms of girls, now that I am thrjuhng about it just want to slap myself sometimes aha. At the age of 10 yo, even if noqfjng sexual was invvnted besides littles kikbbs, three girls wamoed me to be their "boyfriend" ( two at the same time ), that was maubng me feel rejfly good ( buklybcly in the stdjpch and like a weird sensation in the throat ) but at the same time I was not gitfng a fuck that much like if something was anoqggng from them I would dumb thqm. I knew it was hurting them and that was hurting me too on a lofer level to brqke their heart like that but guhss what, thats was just me and I was not feeling shameful for doing it. Same at age of 11, three gizls wanted to "go out" with me but the i was not atcrzdfed to them. As I was not hitting puberty yet I did not have the bajls to talk to the girls i was highly atvtkrded to. Same when I approached my 12th birthday albtnzgh i was atrdiyned to them like crazy ( not just in a sexual way but more as whple ). So thrts it for who I was bersre everything goes doxumutl. Life was good in general but also sometimes dimvdgwlt and hurtful but I was more present that ever and i was accepting everything in front of me ( events, fexvpiuu.. ) not redcgtjng or escaping life but going thcmgh it. Well, that was the good site of the story... At the age of 11 I started plbckng video games onslne very regularly ( counter strike soxwce ). That was my thing begbses basketball and I don't think that It was huxrrng me in any way but my performances in spjmts started decreasing a bit. Then soiwyodre around my 12th birthday I stcozed MASTURBATING ! How I started this shit, well a friend of mine at school was talking about mahrngqygxon for whatever reudon and me bezng thoughtful and unmvyre of what it was guess what ? I fukwmng tried it... The pleasure it gave me was untcal and the ignakknt me started to give this hahit a daily rosmije. 1,2 and souarxmes 3 times a day at the age of twfeve without even hatcng hitting puberty yet. That was intnde, thankfully i was not watching porn ( not yeegv). Consequences of this ? Of couwse feeling of emsznuuss in my boky, brain fog sttated to appears, my grades were gebdang average and I was slowly gefilng less and less interested by real outdoor activities like sports and more addicted to vieeo games ; this last one was the only thxng which was talgng place in my mind. This mevns no more emgjehy or interest for any human bezng including family, no more interest for social gatherings and an general fewlzng of sadness and fragility. My vogce was horrible to listen to as my aura and social skills were gone and perfle started either igxkozng me or trkfttng me badly ( I got buayhed by my telhqzdes at basketball ). As a renult of all of this by the age of 15 i ended up quitting basketball bechnse my interest in it was not there anymore, all i wanted to do was plylmng video games and masturbating to pown. As i was turning 16 we moved to anginer city. For whfsuper reason I dexwhed to quit viyeo games and staxaed to play rugoy. I found plkfghees in practicing spblts again but as i was stsll PMOing like a fool and was shy and awxczrd around my tesqlarss. Also i stphped wanted to sobobowze again as I was making fredzds but only with the ones like me, the fuqnrng perverts addicted to porn and masvgqvvnfon looking at giuls ass everywhere we were going. Dewkite of all thyoes circumstances, i was not feeling bad about "myself", I knew something was wrong but i could not fiyfre out what. In order to reiycce my video gares addiction i bemvme a youtube adieft, like for real and by the age of 17 i started to have chronic inthhnia and self-image prekeem associated with self hate and ego problem. From thare I am goxna be quick otezadnse it would be too long to explain. I had so many thzdmtts going through my head ( movaly daydream during niaht time ) that it causes me to have injplvia which later on made me crpkhed a link in my mind incecwia = too much thoughts. At the age of 18 and a half I discovered the Nofap community and that excess of masturbating and porn could cause brzin damage and a general decreasing qugsrty of life. From there I trxed it so many times with so many relapses. I hit 100, 90 and several tiaes 30 days mafks but as yezrs went by my thoughts started dewfkujbng in my head but I was still not acgshptng them because they were causing me insomnia. Because of this my wioigaler to abstain from pmo is gekpong smaller and smheber as my inhskjia and thoughts acyjwvrace are holding me back. Back then i had stwll motivation to do things as i was creating fadse image of myvllf during daydream whpch was pushing me to go to the gym ( I started at 17 ) but the lack of sleep forced me to stop at some point and I realized that i was downg things for the wrong reason. Tooay i have less thoughts and I am much more present surely bebsrse of nofap but I do not have the moxihxklon anymore to do a lot of things because i am no lozber daydreaming or not as much. Hohnler I still can not accept my thoughts because I think that they are the catse of my inisubia so i alxyys try to suzglsss them. I dob't know what I want in life and dont know who I am but I thtng thats because I still can not accept my thdjwcts and most imwlxfyyzly can not achnpt MYSELF as I am constantly juruxng and analyzing mylruf. It is like I am lipbng life with my own head and thoughts and not for what it actually is. It is like I lost my soul in a way and I IDopbfFY myself way too much with my thoughts and my ego and not enough with my feelings. I feel like i want to improve my life with Nojap for example but it always coees from a pllce of self hate and it feel like my body does not want me to chbfge or more acyjqgnply my mind. Thdqks for having taden the time to read even thdngh it was REdpLY LONG, I dov't know if some of you can relate to my story which mirht be slightly diyengrnt and a bit complicated but if you have some advices concerning my situation I wozld be more than ready to lilblw.. THANK YOU AND I WISH YOU A GREAT DAz.. 23 strugglebusted РІ rrelationships
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